Oh gravity!

I'm ready for a vacation! A long, quiet, uneventful vacation. My life is a roller coaster. It always has been! However, I'm not into thrill rides.

A few weeks ago my in-laws separated. We saw it coming for a long time, so it wasn't shocking. It is, however, tough for Matt. My FIL is a passive aggressive drug addict. He was in rehab last year, and we thought he was doing better.... we were wrong. He got a prescription for anbien, and has been taking huge doses of it. A few weeks back, he took 15, and proceded to drive across town. Not without first crashing his car into his house (not as much damage as there could've been-thank god. Then he backed into MIL's car, then decided to just talk MIL's car, which came back with dents everywhere... Thank God he didn't kill anyone! It's so hard to have a functional relationship in the midst of all this insanity... I mean, Matt and I have communication on our side, but if we didn't, we'd have a mess of issues, because we both have crazy families!!

I visited my doctor, and we talked about further testing to see what our fertility issue is. I have Hashimoto's, so we are sure that's a factor. I had an appointment right after everything that happened with my FIL, and my doctor mentioned that my blood pressure was a little elevated. Lol! I told him what was happening, so what did he say? "You need to relax, you're not going to get pregnant all stressed out...". No, I didn't kick him is his fat doctor head... :-) He said he's shocked that my FIL lived through 15 anbien. Turned out though, that he went through 60 pills in less then 3 days... wow!! So much for $46,000 rehab...

Anyway, next week I'm going to see an RE. I'm scared, but excited!! Not scared because of hearing things I don't want, but because things might go quickly from here, and the idea of bringing a new baby into this mess makes me feel like puking. Matt and I have been very seriously considering a move. It would be great for us. Lord knows we need to get away fro the crazies, because we become them!

Health food stores....

This week I made the trek to our local health food store in search of this supposed miracle herb--Chasteberry. I almost felt as if I needed a good disguise. I live in a town where everyone seems to know each other. Because we've made our "trying" a secret, I'm extra discreet about shopping. So I'm in the store, and right away I notice a woman from my church. She is a total sweetheart, so I felt bad for avoiding her. The store is not very large, so she ended up seeing me, and because she is really into holistic healing, she asked me what I was looking for, and started giving me advice about what kind of vitamins I should be taking at my age, and yadda yadda. Because I was trying to hide the fact that I was there for fertility help, I ended up buying my $6 Chasteberry, and also $50 of crap I didn't need. Part of me just wanted to come clean about why I was there. There was no way though. I just hate to lie.

I actually took Chasteberry last year, and it helped me to have more regular cycles. When we took a break from *really* trying for about 5 months, I stopped. I just needed a breather! So I'm glad to be back on, and am praying that more cycles equal more chances to have a baby! The Hub and I decided that even if (when) we have our own, that we'd both like to adopt a baby from China. I've always been interested in adoption, and after my husband researched it to death, he seems to think it's great too! Of course, it's not cheap, or easy. However, if I've learned anything about trying to have a baby, sometimes trying to have yur own isn't cheap, or easy either... ;-)

So right now I'm just waiting for the big "O" oh wait, not that one... the OTHER big "O" as in, ovulation! Of course the frustrating part about having an irregular cycle is not really knowing when to expect it! It'll come though, and when it does, I'll be ready! :-)

Happy Easter! You should have a baby!

My Easter was a mess from the start! Saturday Af arrived, So there goes that cycle! Then that night, my totally freaking insane FIL decided to take a handful of sleeping pills and go to bed. We just happened to be visiting (they only live about 15mins away) and it was awful. He's fine, other then being a prescription drug addict. So the hub and I didn't get much sleep. Then Hub had to work today (boo) so I made the hour-long trek to My aunt's house solo. I made a really awesome cake, well it was awesome until some guy on the freeway cut me off, thus making me slam on my breaks, thus sending my cake flying. So because I was the only one bringing dessert, I stopped at the market to grab another cake. I get the the check-out, only to realize that I couldn't find my ATM card. So I call the hub, who let's me know a little too late that he took my card because he couldn't find his. So I put the cake back, and continue on my way.

Lunch with my family was wonderful. I don't spend as much time with them as I'd like. So I'm down on the floor, playing with my twin cousins, when the dreaded question was asked "What are you and Matt waiting for? You need to have a baby". Of course, I just fake laughed, and said "oh we will eventually.". Then they went on and on about how we will be great parents, and really don't have much to wait for. I subutly changed the subject. Then, driving home I cried, and I cried, and cried some more. I know they have no idea what's going on, but I couldn't help but to feel sad. If they knew that were are struggling, they wouldn't say things like that, but instead I would be asked about our "trying" over and over.

While I'm sad that I haven't been able to give my family (myself included)a baby, I know that by one means, or another, we'll be parents one day! I know it in my heart of hearts!

The annoying Birth Control commercials...

My guess is that if you watch any TV at all, that you have seen this commercial. Of course, I have to change it when it comes on because it makes me sad, and kind of angry. Not that people don't have the right to be informed about birth control options, but as women, we spend so much time trying "not" to get pregnant, then when we want to be pregnant, some of us really struggle.

Oh no, what would I do if I got pregnant? I'd have a huge party! Oh and the little curly haired kid from the commercial... freaking adorable!

To tell family, or not to tell family...

Even though the Hub and I have been trying for two years now, we have yet to tell anyone from our families. I told one friend, and that was because she had the same struggle. Yup, I said had, she has a beautiful son now. As much as I am SO over the top happy for her, it was a little hard for me. But, she is such a huge encouragement, and lets face it, because she has been there, she totally understands my ranting about how people that shouldn't have babies get pregnant if a guy sits too close, and here I am charting my temps, checking my cirvical fluid, and standing on my head after sex and STILL can't get pregnant...

It would probably happen if I just "relaxed" (note heavy sarcasm). I guess that's part of the reason we haven't told family. I've heard my mother-in-law talk about how infertility is basically all in a persons head, and the whole "if they just relaxed it would happen" crap. How I am SO not into unsolicited advice from people who "planned" their two babies, and got pregnant right away. Also, our families have huge mouths, and I'm not too crazy about the idea that my elderly aunt might bring up my broken uterus at Christmas dinner. If you knew anything about my family, you would know that stranger things have happened. I'm not close to my mom at all, but I think if I were I'd probably tell her.

So what do you think? To tell or not to tell?

Welcome, or not.

My name is Sarah, and I'm infertile. While that doesn't sum up everything that i am, it's by far the largest part of my life right now. I'm 26 years old, and my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for two years. We've been trying to avoid crazy fertility treatments if we can, but the more time goes on, the more it looks like that's what we're going to have to do.

The title of this blog is pretty self-explanatory. My guess is that if you are here, you probably have the same infertility struggle. If that's the case, I am SO very sorry. It's not right, and it's not fair. I understand the pain of another negative pregnancy test, and the frustration when a friend gets pregnant, not because you're not happy for her, but because you feel so guilty for feeling sad that she is, and you're not.

I want this to be a place to share your feelings, and experiences with the infertility battle. I want this to be a place where you can say what you really feel, and laugh about things that probably wouldn't be all that funny to anyone else. So welcome, I'm sorry you have to be here...